You want to know what's worse than getting an awesome haircut on a Friday night? Having to wait until Monday morning to show it off at work.
And what's worse than having to wait until Monday morning to show it off? The fact that no one notices.
And what's worse than no one noticing? The realization that people DID notice, but didn't say anything.
I'm crawling back into my 'I-have-no-style' hole now, thank you, complete with sad face and all. (I'm taking some solace in the fact that my sad face is surrounded by awesome hair though...)
Monday, July 29, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
A smile for a baby
All Hail! The Royal Baby has arrived!
Normally, I don't get swept up in this sort of thing, so imagine my surprise when I found myself scouring my news feed hourly on Monday, July 22. Like the rest of the Internet world, I anxiously awaited news of the newest addition to the English Royal lineage. And when it came, I smiled for them. I was actually happy for them. Why, might you ask, is this blog-worthy?
See, for years, I hid from other people's babies. Pregnancies were way too difficult for me to deal with and so my protective defense was to ignore them. But that didn't mean I didn't feel a stab of pain every time I saw someone pregnant, had a friend tell me they were expecting or saw someone holding a newborn. Infertility did that to me and man, it hurt. Since traveling that road years ago, I've given birth to two more wonderful, beautiful, special children, but the pain of infertility never, ever leaves you. It's like a death in your life: You may move on, but it doesn't go away and the scar that it leaves behind can sometimes be raw for years. I've learned so many things about what I went through. I know that God had a plan for all of it, but I can say that now because I'm through it. Through that journey, He taught me humility, patience, grace, humanity and showed me His power to rule over my life. I won't say I was always at peace with His hand, but I lived through it and I'm a better, stronger person because of it.
Infertility gave me a unique ability to see both sides of the coin. I was one of those people who was lost in the infertility shuffle; I had already had one child naturally, but yet I was unable to get pregnant again and suffered the pain, humiliation and agony of wanting another baby yet unable to get my body to work with me. In the end, it took a terrible toll on me and I will admit I was in complete shock when we had our One-Percent Baby, not once but twice. Even when I was pregnant with my third child, my long-awaited for daughter, I had a friend email me to say she was expecting her third child and for a brief second, I was distraught. The pang of sadness hit me hard and I remember knowing that it was completely irrational, but it was still there. And that's where the Royal Baby comes in...
I didn't feel that sadness at all when I heard the news. In fact, I actually felt joy for them.
And that's when I realized my scar is finally healing.
Normally, I don't get swept up in this sort of thing, so imagine my surprise when I found myself scouring my news feed hourly on Monday, July 22. Like the rest of the Internet world, I anxiously awaited news of the newest addition to the English Royal lineage. And when it came, I smiled for them. I was actually happy for them. Why, might you ask, is this blog-worthy?
See, for years, I hid from other people's babies. Pregnancies were way too difficult for me to deal with and so my protective defense was to ignore them. But that didn't mean I didn't feel a stab of pain every time I saw someone pregnant, had a friend tell me they were expecting or saw someone holding a newborn. Infertility did that to me and man, it hurt. Since traveling that road years ago, I've given birth to two more wonderful, beautiful, special children, but the pain of infertility never, ever leaves you. It's like a death in your life: You may move on, but it doesn't go away and the scar that it leaves behind can sometimes be raw for years. I've learned so many things about what I went through. I know that God had a plan for all of it, but I can say that now because I'm through it. Through that journey, He taught me humility, patience, grace, humanity and showed me His power to rule over my life. I won't say I was always at peace with His hand, but I lived through it and I'm a better, stronger person because of it.
Infertility gave me a unique ability to see both sides of the coin. I was one of those people who was lost in the infertility shuffle; I had already had one child naturally, but yet I was unable to get pregnant again and suffered the pain, humiliation and agony of wanting another baby yet unable to get my body to work with me. In the end, it took a terrible toll on me and I will admit I was in complete shock when we had our One-Percent Baby, not once but twice. Even when I was pregnant with my third child, my long-awaited for daughter, I had a friend email me to say she was expecting her third child and for a brief second, I was distraught. The pang of sadness hit me hard and I remember knowing that it was completely irrational, but it was still there. And that's where the Royal Baby comes in...
I didn't feel that sadness at all when I heard the news. In fact, I actually felt joy for them.
And that's when I realized my scar is finally healing.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Head-over-heels, five years and counting.
I swear, I'm not getting lost in nostalgia. But it was five years ago today that my TDH Man called me on the phone during my lunch and said these magic words:
It was the first time he had professed his feelings for me and he didn't just say "I love you", it was more than that. He gave himself to me that day, head, heels, soul and everything he had with that one phrase.
I am one lucky, lucky girl.
I am head-over-heels in love with you.
It was the first time he had professed his feelings for me and he didn't just say "I love you", it was more than that. He gave himself to me that day, head, heels, soul and everything he had with that one phrase.
I am one lucky, lucky girl.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
A Greek Tavern story...
Five years ago, in a Greek Tavern, my life took the most unexpected turn. I've never really written it all out, so it's high time I have a place to go back and read and dote upon those days. Five years ago tonight, at about this time, I met my soulmate. It took a plane ride across the country, a librarian conference and a step outside my comfort zone to make it all happen, but sometimes those are the things that God pushes into your path to make all the pieces come together.
I had spent most of the day tooling around Portland, Oregon, at a work-related conference. It was the first time that I'd been this far from home in umpteen years and I was super excited because, honestly, life was sucking at home. I was in the midst of horrid infertility treatments and my world was slowly, quietly closing in around me. (If you're really interested in seeing my terrible state of mind, you can read more about it. I'll prewarn you, it's not pretty...). I was also going out there to meet up with my bestest bestest friend, L9, whom I hadn't seen in a few years since she moved away from our tiny world. On the plane ride there, I prayed to God to open a door for me, to give me strength to walk through that door and to guide me in whatever direction He was leading. I had no idea what he had in store for me.
Anyway, the second day of the conference was spent walking around Portland, visiting Powell's and then heading off to a gathering of fellow librarians. Exciting stuff, I know! While there, I talked to a few colleagues and was doing my best to step away from my severe social anxiety and self-medicate with a few beers to prevent me from bolting and hiding in my hotel room until the next day. When most of the colleagues had left, I was feeling a little bold and noticed that some of the younger librarians that I had met at a pre-conference meeting that morning were there playing pool. I somehow bucked up the courage (read: drank more beer) and walked over to chat. They were funny, smart and gladly tried to include me in their conversations which I appreciated. About an hour later, they decided that they were going to head over to an event at a local Portland landmark, Greek Cusina (which I just found out has closed *sob, sob*). We grab a few taxis and I head over with my new stranger-friends.
When we walk into the restaurant, I immediately notice a tall, dark and handsome man standing near the door to the upstairs dining room. I don't even look at him head-on because, honestly, he's like the sun and I'm afraid that if I look directly at him, the image of his face will burn into my memory and looming-divorce-be-damned, I'm still legally a married person at this point. So I head up the stairs into the upstairs bar and linger by the doorway trying to find a seat. When I get upstairs, I realize the place is packed and I stand there, cursing my stupidity for even coming to this place. This isn't like me, and now I remember why I hate crowded rooms and strangers and stepping out of my comfort zone. I notice the tall, dark and handsome man again and realize that somehow, we're both standing in the same group of misfits and the four of us, thrown together because we were all too slow to find another table, sit down at a booth together. It's apparent from the get-go that none of us really know each other, so we just sit there for a few seconds. And that's when I realize that TDH Man is staring at me. And not just the look-at-her-in-polite-conversation looking, I mean leaning-on-his-hands-full-on-staring-without-blinking staring. I do my best to not look at him again and instead answer someone's question of 'Where are you from?'. And then TDH Man opens his mouth and the most sweet, strong Southern lilt comes from his mouth and I'm lost.
By God's hand, we were thrown together, two complete strangers in a town across the country and we end up spending the night drinking beer that tastes like rotten popcorn and laughing and swapping stories about our worlds. At the end of the night, after closing two different bars, we say goodnight and I climb into a cab fairly certain that I'm never going to see this guy again. He's sweet, smart, funny as all get out, and I feel incredibly blessed to have met him. Despite thinking that I'd never see him again, just the act of meeting him opened a door in my life and I knew that God had a plan for me. I knew that no matter what heartache was on the horizon at home, I knew that I would get through it. Little did I know that M, that tall, dark and handsome man, would be the one to help me through the next five years and that this night would be the beginning of our lives together.
My darling M, you are the most amazing person I have ever known. You, my sunshine, are the reason I get up every day and praise God for His gifts. I love you more every day and yes, even though you've put up with me for the past 1,825 days (give or take a few), you have at least 16,425 days to go. At least. So don't go gettin' any crazy ideas, OK?
I had spent most of the day tooling around Portland, Oregon, at a work-related conference. It was the first time that I'd been this far from home in umpteen years and I was super excited because, honestly, life was sucking at home. I was in the midst of horrid infertility treatments and my world was slowly, quietly closing in around me. (If you're really interested in seeing my terrible state of mind, you can read more about it. I'll prewarn you, it's not pretty...). I was also going out there to meet up with my bestest bestest friend, L9, whom I hadn't seen in a few years since she moved away from our tiny world. On the plane ride there, I prayed to God to open a door for me, to give me strength to walk through that door and to guide me in whatever direction He was leading. I had no idea what he had in store for me.
Anyway, the second day of the conference was spent walking around Portland, visiting Powell's and then heading off to a gathering of fellow librarians. Exciting stuff, I know! While there, I talked to a few colleagues and was doing my best to step away from my severe social anxiety and self-medicate with a few beers to prevent me from bolting and hiding in my hotel room until the next day. When most of the colleagues had left, I was feeling a little bold and noticed that some of the younger librarians that I had met at a pre-conference meeting that morning were there playing pool. I somehow bucked up the courage (read: drank more beer) and walked over to chat. They were funny, smart and gladly tried to include me in their conversations which I appreciated. About an hour later, they decided that they were going to head over to an event at a local Portland landmark, Greek Cusina (which I just found out has closed *sob, sob*). We grab a few taxis and I head over with my new stranger-friends.
When we walk into the restaurant, I immediately notice a tall, dark and handsome man standing near the door to the upstairs dining room. I don't even look at him head-on because, honestly, he's like the sun and I'm afraid that if I look directly at him, the image of his face will burn into my memory and looming-divorce-be-damned, I'm still legally a married person at this point. So I head up the stairs into the upstairs bar and linger by the doorway trying to find a seat. When I get upstairs, I realize the place is packed and I stand there, cursing my stupidity for even coming to this place. This isn't like me, and now I remember why I hate crowded rooms and strangers and stepping out of my comfort zone. I notice the tall, dark and handsome man again and realize that somehow, we're both standing in the same group of misfits and the four of us, thrown together because we were all too slow to find another table, sit down at a booth together. It's apparent from the get-go that none of us really know each other, so we just sit there for a few seconds. And that's when I realize that TDH Man is staring at me. And not just the look-at-her-in-polite-conversation looking, I mean leaning-on-his-hands-full-on-staring-without-blinking staring. I do my best to not look at him again and instead answer someone's question of 'Where are you from?'. And then TDH Man opens his mouth and the most sweet, strong Southern lilt comes from his mouth and I'm lost.
By God's hand, we were thrown together, two complete strangers in a town across the country and we end up spending the night drinking beer that tastes like rotten popcorn and laughing and swapping stories about our worlds. At the end of the night, after closing two different bars, we say goodnight and I climb into a cab fairly certain that I'm never going to see this guy again. He's sweet, smart, funny as all get out, and I feel incredibly blessed to have met him. Despite thinking that I'd never see him again, just the act of meeting him opened a door in my life and I knew that God had a plan for me. I knew that no matter what heartache was on the horizon at home, I knew that I would get through it. Little did I know that M, that tall, dark and handsome man, would be the one to help me through the next five years and that this night would be the beginning of our lives together.
My darling M, you are the most amazing person I have ever known. You, my sunshine, are the reason I get up every day and praise God for His gifts. I love you more every day and yes, even though you've put up with me for the past 1,825 days (give or take a few), you have at least 16,425 days to go. At least. So don't go gettin' any crazy ideas, OK?
Friday, July 12, 2013
Once upon a year (or three) ago...
Wow.
That's about all I can say about life since the last time I posted. Wow. Have almost three years really gone by already? There's just so much to flesh out, I'm not sure where to start, so I'll start with the basic stuff. I'll fill in more details later when I have it all sorted out in my head. But hang onto your hats, people, because it's been quite a ride.
That's about all I can say about life since the last time I posted. Wow. Have almost three years really gone by already? There's just so much to flesh out, I'm not sure where to start, so I'll start with the basic stuff. I'll fill in more details later when I have it all sorted out in my head. But hang onto your hats, people, because it's been quite a ride.
- GFord is now almost three and E is almost ten. That sorta happens when you're not paying attention to the past three years. It goes by fast and your kids get older and bigger and smarter and crazier.
- GFord, our strong-willed, strong-bodied little man underwent open heart surgery on July 31, 2012. I'll be posting more about the journey we underwent in a few weeks, to mark the one-year anniversary of the ordeal.
- On January 30, 2013, we welcomed Adella Deane into this side of the world! Being pregnant with her was amazing and was so much like my pregnancy with E that it was wonderful. Her post-partum, however, sucked. Oh gracious Lord, it sucked. But more on that later...
- I'm back to being a full-time working mother. Enough said.
- I thank God every.single.day for keeping M in my life as the most amazing husband. I could brag on him all-the-live-long day, but I'll spare you the gushing for now (there'll be more of that tomorrow, trust me.).
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Re-entering the world
It's been a long time since I was a 'blogger'. Lately, however, I've had this running dialogue in my head and if I don't figure out where to put it soon, it's going to spill over into one of those "She's talking to herself" conversations. I'm pretty certain my husband is already concerned about my mental well-being so adding an "Is she off the deep end" worry isn't wise.
One-Percent... that phrase still haunts me. M (also known as my soulmate and/or darling husband) would tell me that I beat the odds and that I should celebrate that fact. And yes, I do. I look at that little boy in his crib and I marvel at the gift that God has sent to us, to me. Infertility will alway haunt me. Someone once told me it's like a skeleton in your closet; it doesn't go away even when you have that baby you were trying so hard for all that time. G is my one-percent. I thank God every single day for letting me beat the odds.
These days, I'm at home with G and after 4:00pm, with E as well. I'll admit, I love being at home with them. Some days are better than others, but for the most part, I'm blessed beyond belief to be able to stay with them. I'm still fidgety though... I can't sit still most times and crazy things like wanting to bake a squash pie for dessert or clean the bathroom for the third time to get rid of that pee smell (thanks to a badly aiming 7 year old) still swirl around my head. But, thanks to M's support, I'm learning (or at least attempting) to savor the down-time I have with G. Then again, a lingering breast infection and general run-down feeling help curb those crazy thoughts. Must nap... must nap... that's about all I'm capable of thinking right now.
So. Another blog. Another random person spouting random thoughts. It's nice to give my mind a nice purging though... I'm looking forward to it.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Welcome all around...
Grayson Ford made his way into the world on September 17, 2010. I'm going to have to post his Birthday story here...
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